Was our relationship not as close as I had thought? Was she ok? Was she trying to reach out to me and I couldn’t hear her? I kept it to myself and just doubled-down on my efforts. I certainly couldn’t admit to people that my mom had not “reached out” to me. I played her favorite songs.īut I just couldn’t feel her. I ran my fingers over the outline of my grief tattoos. I addressed the thoughts in my head to my mom. Maybe if I had these pieces of her with me all the time, I’d feel her. I started wearing her wedding ring on a chain around my neck. Maybe if I prayed for her, if I meditated on it, I’d feel her.
I went to different spiritual places, all different denominations. Told me that she was always with me in my thoughts and I needed to stop looking so hard for signs. Told me to look for yellow flowers and white moths. And so many of those people told me not to worry because I would always feel her with me. Maybe our spiritual connection was just experiencing a delay?Īnd then, who knows what happened those next few days. I hadn’t even woken up when the phone rang. I learned about it through a voicemail from my dad. I had spent every night in the hospice center with her for a week straight, and of course, the one night I went home to sleep in my bed instead of her chair, she died. I didn’t feel any pang of telepathic pain when she finally let go. So imagine my surprise when my mom’s body finally took its last breath and she did not immediately become one with the Force all around me. Obviously, we would keep in touch just like everyone said we would. She was cheerful, hysterical, compassionate, easy-going, generous, and spiritual. We talked every day and we saw each other several times every week, scheduled and spontaneous time together. See, because if there was any mother-daughter combo who would certainly keep in touch once the veil had come between us, it would be my mom and me. That as she was dying in hospice, it would all be ok because I would always feel her presence I would obviously receive messages from her. I needed to believe that this would be true. These are the very kind and infuriating things people have said to me over and over again since my mom died in 2012. Sharing with all of you, because we have a feeling many of you will relate.
Written and shared with us by our grief-friend, Cara Jeanne.